My Eyes Are Up Here

Below is a little ditty I wrote a few months ago before Evelyn was born.  Finally polished it up enough to feel comfortable sharing it.  Enjoy!

Here I am at 38 weeks (9 months) pregnant. I will not say "this is what 9 months pregnant looks like" because I have seen people with bellies much bigger and much smaller than mine at this stage in the game (and not all that were bigger were having multiples, thank you), and they have been healthy people with healthy pregnancies and normal-sized babies.  I have gained 26 lbs, which is within the normal range, and my belly measurements are spot on every appointment.  I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying it to point out that this belly is AVERAGE.

Yesterday, working at a shop on the main strip of Collingswood, 6 separate people could not resist looking at my belly wide-eyed as if they thought I was going to hand them some pinking shears and recruit them to personally give me an emergency c-section, and then proceeded to ask me one of three questions (or in one lady's case, all three in a row):

1. Omg when are you due, yesterday?

2. That baby is going to be huge!

3. Are you sure there's only 1 in there?

The most baffling part of all of this, to me, is that 100% of the people who did this to me yesterday were middle aged women who have had children.  And I can't understand why.  Why you would need to be told, when you have been here before, that saying things like that, to another person, is hurtful.  The more common offense from men is usually staring at me and then trying to guess the gender of my baby based on how I am carrying.

I totally understand that I am at the point in my pregnancy where people who love talking to strangers about their personal lives are saying "oh thank god I can bring up her pregnancy because it's SO OBVIOUS," but at the same time, I don't understand why people would prefer to be right rather than polite.  I am not an object to be bet on.  When you ask me when I'm due, don't follow it up with "do you REALLY think you'll go that long?" And my answer is "my dr seems to think so.  I did not guess the date myself, I LEFT THAT TO A PROFESSIONAL."  People want so badly to argue with me about the due date, the size of the baby, the number of babies in my body, as if I was just going about this alone without having to endure the 600 ultrasounds, 48 blood tests, and weekly OB visits that come with being "advanced maternal age."  I shouldn't have to mention this, but you should never comment on a persons body, EVER, and you should be ESPECIALLY careful when that person is literally bursting at the seams with hormones that make her want to get into a bare-knuckle boxing match with live alligators over lesser offenses.

So, if you need a cheat sheet, I am here to help.  Here is a list of things, pulled from REAL CONVERSATIONS I HAVE ACTUALLY HAD IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS, that you can and cannot say to a pregnant woman:

1. "Oh my god, you're huge!"  I wish I could say I only heard this once, but this is probably the one that I have heard the most frequently.  This one is never ok to say to anyone ever.

2. "When are you due... Like yesterday?" (Or "any day now?") ok, so you have stepped over an etiquette line by assuming someone is pregnant, and in my case it's obvious, so I'll give you a pass.  But if you have asked me when I'm due, STOP TALKING AND LET ME ANSWER.  The only thing I can think of that would be equivalent to this would be guessing someone's weight outside of a carnival setting... And once I've answered don't follow it up with "do you REALLY think you'll make it that long?" Or "you should have your doctor recheck your due date" as if you are an expert in comparing the visual circumference of a woman's belly to the date at which a baby will be born.  Oh, did you carry differently? Neat. I don't care.

3. "Are you sure there's only 1 in there?" To be fair, this one is usually a follow-up question to one of the above, so you've already pissed me off significantly.  But yes, I know there is only one, because it's not 1975 and today if you're pregnant, they want to look at that puppy 65 times before it comes out.  They notice tiny shit, I think they'd see A SECOND BABY if it was in there. 

4. "You look like you're about to pop!" Ew. This one is both rude and gross.  I'm not an abscess, I'm a person, and when this baby comes out of me, hopefully it's not going to spontaneously explode out the front.

5. "That's going to be one big baby!" STFU.  No pregnant woman wants to hear, "you probably won't be able to get that baby out of you," so don't even imply it.  Also, if I drew a line on my sides where my body normally ends and I look at what remains, there's about enough room for a 5 lb baby, a big ol' placenta, and a bunch of water for her to wiggle around in. And boy does this girl move.

6. "Get sleep while you can because once baby is here you'll never sleep again!"  Fuck you, pregnancy is exhausting, exciting, and insomnia inducing. So pardon me if I CAN'T sleep right now, or if the thought of "never sleeping again" gives me so much anxiety that my joy in meeting this baby is now tainted with the 75 horror stories people have told me about their 2-year olds this week. And speaking of horror stories...

7. Do not tell me your delivery horror stories.  

8. "This heat must be hell for you!" This one is ok! Thanks for your sympathy and for understanding that however disgustingly hot it feels to you right now, it feels 10 degrees hotter to a pregnant lady.

9. "You must be exhausted/ ready for this to be over/ sick of summer." I am, thank you. And congrats on not making me angry.

10. More fantastic things to say or ask: "How are you feeling?," "You're glowing," "You look great," and, "do you want me to pick up a donut for you at the farmers market?" ...for the record, The answer to the last question is "yes, but be a doll and get one for yourself too and eat it with me so I don't feel bad.  Actually you might as well pick up 4..."