My friend Kathryn telepathically heard my concerns and, while I was still pregnant, she sent me a website full of inspirational birth stories and gorgeous photographs of mothers with their children, baring it all. It's the 4th Trimester Bodies Project, and they tour the U.S. documenting women's journeys to motherhood and celebrating the beauty inherent in the changes.
Now, the timing didn't line up for me to have my own photoshoot in the window I wanted, so I employed the help of another Catherine, and created my own rendition, inspired by the 4th Trimester Bodies Project.
Special thanks to Kathryn Evans Ombam for introducing me to the site, to Karen Shields, CNM, Courtney Nagy, Shirley Diehl, and Daniel Hoffman for giving me an unbelievable birthing experience, to Inez Diehl and Grace Hittinger, both of whom were present in spirit at the birth center and gave me strength, to the 4th Trimester Bodies Project for inspiring this shoot and helping women love their shape post-partum, and to Catherine Van Curen who took these gorgeous photos for my family and I to enjoy:)
11-15-15
The magnificent Gretchen Diehl and Asa Chaim Hoffman-Diehl, 13 months.
In late 2013, my husband and I decided that in 2014, we would "leave it up to the universe" and stop preventing the possibility of a pregnancy. We were not sure of our fertility and we're open to adoption, but were also avoiding saying we were "trying" because so many friends of ours had "tried" and it caused them a lot of anxiety. At the end of January, I had a dream about my grandmother Inez, in her home. My husband and I were purchasing her house in the dream and she was concerned she would have no place to go, so she asked if she could stay with us, and I said, "of course!" And she disappeared. I thought the dream was special because I had never dreamt of my grandmother before, so I wrote it down. Around the same time I started working on my tarot deck illustrations, and began researching the tarot. I felt like I was tapped into something big. In February I felt a hardness very low in my belly, and I took a pregnancy test, which came up negative. After a couple of weeks and a few more negative tests, I grew concerned that I might have a tumor in my uterus or intestines. I made an appointment with an OB in early March. He didn't give me a pregnancy test at my visit, and his internal exam was rough and uncomfortable. He agreed something was wrong and gave me a script for an ultrasound to see what was blocking me (since I also had not had a period since November). Alone in my house that day, I called and made the appointment. I had another pregnancy test, so I figured I would take it just because. It was positive. I was overwhelmed. I was also alone in the house for the next 3 hours. I called the operator at the hospital where I was scheduled to have my ultrasound and told her what happened, but as soon as the words "I'm pregnant" came out of my mouth I started crying. The operator was excited too. She asked if she was the first person I told, and I said yes, and we gabbed for 30 mins before deciding I did not have to cancel the ultrasound appointment, I was just coming for a different reason now. I was already 7.5 weeks pregnant. Dan and I were thrust into expectant parenthood.
After the unpleasant experience at the OB, I decided to research alternative birthing centers and found Gentle Beginnings in Haddon Heights, NJ with Karen Shields, CNM. It was amazing from day 1. Supportive women who recognized the power and nature of the female body encouraged me along the way. My pregnancy was mostly easy and comfortable. There were foods that made me nauseous, but I didn't really have morning sickness, I was exhausted in the first trimester, but luckily, was on sabbatical and was able to sleep A LOT.
At 20 weeks, we got the anatomy scan and everything looked good. At that point I was convinced I was having a girl (and had wanted a little girl for a long time), but the scan proved we were having a boy. I was upset, and then I was disgusted with myself for being upset. I knew I would love my baby, but what if I didn't like him?
In the beginning of my third trimester I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, but was able to diet manage, and a few weeks after that I developed some sort of awful itchy rash all over my body. It began at my stretch marks and slowly spread across my chest, breasts, and legs. It was easily the most maddening pregnancy symptom, and thankfully, disappeared right before labor.
On October 11th I started having contractions. I called the midwives who assured me that I would know when it was time to come to the birthing center. I kept having contractions between 4 and 10 minutes apart, and on October 18th, they became hard to ignore. I had slept badly for a full week and was tired. I went in to the birthing center and they checked my dilation which was only 2cm. They sent me away to go for a walk and I felt like this baby would never want to come out. After a long walk we went back to the center and the midwives admitted me.
Early labor was easy to manage via the power of dance. Dan brought the laptop filled with disco music and we had a private dance party for the first few hours. Swaying and shaking eased the intensity of the contractions and the energy was high. I felt like I was making progress, but after another examination I had only progressed another centimeter. I spent some time doing hip circles on an exercise ball, and sitting in a lukewarm bath. By the time Courtney arrived, it was after midnight. I was shaking and vomiting, and was very excited to think that I might be in transition. Another exam showed that I was now at 4cm. I was starting to feel defeated.
Karen suggested that I might be exhausted and dehydrated, so after some deliberation, I took a shot of morphine in the glute, and was hooked up to an IV. After a few hours of drug-induced dozing and IV fluids, I felt refreshed. I got on the ball as soon as I was able, and Dan assisted me with doing hip circles through the strong contractions. I was still progressing slowly, and Karen suggested breaking my water. I was scared because she said it would get more intense, but things would move faster. I had no idea what "more intense" would feel like. Courtney suggested I go ahead with the procedure, and boy did things get real. Contractions got so intense I started making panicked noises, but each time Dan and Courtney and my mom would encourage me to breathe and I blew air through my lips to control my breath.
It came time to push, and I tried to find a good position. The monitors lost Asa's heartbeat and I needed to shift repeatedly and stay still through contractions to find his heartbeat again. Once it was found, it seemed like the cord might be wrapped around his neck. Karen was serious, but calm and clear. She said, "Gretchen, I need you to lay on your back, pull your knees up, and push your baby out as fast as you can. On the first contraction, I pushed hard, and he was crowning. On the second his head was out. Karen said, "I need you to push your baby OUT on this next contraction." Dan was behind my shoulder, and I heard his voice crack while he said, "you're doing a great job, babe" and I realized in that moment we were about to meet our baby. It gave me the strength I needed, and with an animal roar, I pushed Asa out. The cord was wrapped around his neck twice and once around his chest. Karen did a masterful maneuver, flipping him multiple times to free him. We left the cord attached and I held him in my arms. He latched pretty instantly. I looked up at Dan and said, "ok! We can do it again!" He was 7 lbs 9 oz and 20.5 inches long.
Asa was colicky and had terribly itchy, plaquey skin. We learned when he was about 4 weeks old that he was sensitive to milk and soy and I changed my diet. At around 2 months, we started to get to know our baby's real personality, and he's a real pip. He has now grown out of his milk and soy sensitivity, and loves cheese and yogurt. Asa showed a love for books, art and music pretty early and now his favorite activity is sitting in a pile of board books chattering to himself. He is loving, inspiring, and a huge flirt. It has been amazing getting to know him.
Interested in the photographs? You can send inquiries directly to Catherine here:
Interested in natural birth in Southern NJ? Check out Gentle Beginnings here:
Interested in seeing more pictures and reading more inspiring birth stories? Check out the 4th Trimester Bodies Project here:
