My "4th Trimester" Body

When I found out I was expecting Asa early in 2014, one of the first anxieties that creeped into my mind centered around my body image and whether I would be able to provide a safe and healthy growing space for my baby-to-be.  I made sure that my husband and midwife were both clear about my past body image issues so that they could keep an eye on my habits and keep me in check.  It turned out to be a non-issue, as I felt the most love for my body in my adult life.  As my waistline expanded and I could feel Asa move, I was so enthralled by the process that I didn't have space for feeling bad about the way I looked.  I wore smaller, tighter things that I had in a long time, and I generally felt great.  But then came the question of how this would effect my body long-term.  When the beautiful baby bump was gone, how would my feelings for my body change?  Would I expect to look like "myself" again? Or would I be more understanding of the massive changes that had happened in my body over the last year?

My friend Kathryn telepathically heard my concerns and, while I was still pregnant, she sent me a website full of inspirational birth stories and gorgeous photographs of mothers with their children, baring it all.  It's the 4th Trimester Bodies Project, and they tour the U.S. documenting women's journeys to motherhood and celebrating the beauty inherent in the changes.  

Now, the timing didn't line up for me to have my own photoshoot in the window I wanted, so I employed the help of another Catherine, and created my own rendition, inspired by the 4th Trimester Bodies Project.  

Special thanks to Kathryn Evans Ombam for introducing me to the site, to Karen Shields, CNM, Courtney Nagy, Shirley Diehl, and Daniel Hoffman for giving me an unbelievable birthing experience, to Inez Diehl and Grace Hittinger, both of whom were present in spirit at the birth center and gave me strength, to the 4th Trimester Bodies Project for inspiring this shoot and helping women love their shape post-partum, and to Catherine Van Curen who took these gorgeous photos for my family and I to enjoy:)

11-15-15

The magnificent Gretchen Diehl and Asa Chaim Hoffman-Diehl, 13 months.

In late 2013, my husband and I decided that in 2014, we would "leave it up to the universe" and stop preventing the possibility of a pregnancy.  We were not sure of our fertility and we're open to adoption, but were also avoiding saying we were "trying" because so many friends of ours had "tried" and it caused them a lot of anxiety.  At the end of January, I had a dream about my grandmother Inez, in her home.  My husband and I were purchasing her house in the dream and she was concerned she would have no place to go, so she asked if she could stay with us, and I said, "of course!" And she disappeared.  I thought the dream was special because I had never dreamt of my grandmother before, so I wrote it down.  Around the same time I started working on my tarot deck illustrations, and began researching the tarot.  I felt like I was tapped into something big.  In February I felt a hardness very low in my belly, and I took a pregnancy test, which came up negative.  After a couple of weeks and a few more negative tests, I grew concerned that I might have a tumor in my uterus or intestines.  I made an appointment with an OB in early March.  He didn't give me a pregnancy test at my visit, and his internal exam was rough and uncomfortable.  He agreed something was wrong and gave me a script for an ultrasound to see what was blocking me (since I also had not had a period since November).  Alone in my house that day, I called and made the appointment.  I had another pregnancy test, so I figured I would take it just because.  It was positive.  I was overwhelmed.  I was also alone in the house for the next 3 hours.  I called the operator at the hospital where I was scheduled to have my ultrasound and told her what happened, but as soon as the words "I'm pregnant" came out of my mouth I started crying.  The operator was excited too.  She asked if she was the first person I told, and I said yes, and we gabbed for 30 mins before deciding I did not have to cancel the ultrasound appointment, I was just coming for a different reason now.  I was already 7.5 weeks pregnant.  Dan and I were thrust into expectant parenthood.

After the unpleasant experience at the OB, I decided to research alternative birthing centers and found Gentle Beginnings in Haddon Heights, NJ with Karen Shields, CNM.  It was amazing from day 1.  Supportive women who recognized the power and nature of the female body encouraged me along the way.  My pregnancy was mostly easy and comfortable.  There were foods that made me nauseous, but I didn't really have morning sickness, I was exhausted in the first trimester, but luckily, was on sabbatical and was able to sleep A LOT.  

At 20 weeks, we got the anatomy scan and everything looked good.  At that point I was convinced I was having a girl (and had wanted a little girl for a long time), but the scan proved we were having a boy. I was upset, and then I was disgusted with myself for being upset.  I knew I would love my baby, but what if I didn't like him?

In the beginning of my third trimester I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, but was able to diet manage, and a few weeks after that I developed some sort of awful itchy rash all over my body.  It began at my stretch marks and slowly spread across my chest, breasts, and legs.  It was easily the most maddening pregnancy symptom, and thankfully, disappeared right before labor.

On October 11th I started having contractions.  I called the midwives who assured me that I would know when it was time to come to the birthing center.  I kept having contractions between 4 and 10 minutes apart, and on October 18th, they became hard to ignore.  I had slept badly for a full week and was tired.  I went in to the birthing center and they checked my dilation which was only 2cm.  They sent me away to go for a walk and I felt like this baby would never want to come out.  After a long walk we went back to the center and the midwives admitted me.  

Early labor was easy to manage via the power of dance.  Dan brought the laptop filled with disco music and we had a private dance party for the first few hours.  Swaying and shaking eased the intensity of the contractions and the energy was high.  I felt like I was making progress, but after another examination I had only progressed another centimeter. I spent some time doing hip circles on an exercise ball, and sitting in a lukewarm bath.  By the time Courtney arrived, it was after midnight. I was shaking and vomiting, and was very excited to think that I might be in transition.  Another exam showed that I was now at 4cm.  I was starting to feel defeated.

Karen suggested that I might be exhausted and dehydrated, so after some deliberation, I took a shot of morphine in the glute, and was hooked up to an IV.  After a few hours of drug-induced dozing and IV fluids, I felt refreshed.  I got on the ball as soon as I was able, and Dan assisted me with doing hip circles through the strong contractions.  I was still progressing slowly, and Karen suggested breaking my water.  I was scared because she said it would get more intense, but things would move faster.  I had no idea what "more intense" would feel like.  Courtney suggested I go ahead with the procedure, and boy did things get real.  Contractions got so intense I started making panicked noises, but each time Dan and Courtney and my mom would encourage me to breathe and I blew air through my lips to control my breath. 

It came time to push, and I tried to find a good position.  The monitors lost Asa's heartbeat and I needed to shift repeatedly and stay still through contractions to find his heartbeat again.  Once it was found, it seemed like the cord might be wrapped around his neck. Karen was serious, but calm and clear.  She said, "Gretchen, I need you to lay on your back, pull your knees up, and push your baby out as fast as you can.  On the first contraction, I pushed hard, and he was crowning.  On the second his head was out.  Karen said, "I need you to push your baby OUT on this next contraction." Dan was behind my shoulder, and I heard his voice crack while he said, "you're doing a great job, babe" and I realized in that moment we were about to meet our baby.  It gave me the strength I needed, and with an animal roar, I pushed Asa out.  The cord was wrapped around his neck twice and once around his chest.  Karen did a masterful maneuver, flipping him multiple times to free him.  We left the cord attached and I held him in my arms.  He latched pretty instantly.  I looked up at Dan and said, "ok! We can do it again!"  He was 7 lbs 9 oz and 20.5 inches long.  

Asa was colicky and had terribly itchy, plaquey skin.  We learned when he was about 4 weeks old that he was sensitive to milk and soy and I changed my diet.  At around 2 months, we started to get to know our baby's real personality, and he's a real pip.  He has now grown out of his milk and soy sensitivity, and loves cheese and yogurt.  Asa showed a love for books, art and music pretty early and now his favorite activity is sitting in a pile of board books chattering to himself.  He is loving, inspiring, and a huge flirt.  It has been amazing getting to know him.

Interested in the photographs?  You can send inquiries directly to Catherine here:

photographybycatherinevancuren@gmail.com

Interested in natural birth in Southern NJ?  Check out Gentle Beginnings here:

gentlebeginningsnj.com

Interested in seeing more pictures and reading more inspiring birth stories?  Check out the 4th Trimester Bodies Project here:

4thtrimesterbodies.com

Unbreakable Gretchen Diehl

Females are strong as hell.

I decided 4 days ago that I should start training for the Broad Streeet Run (you know, the 10-miler that happens in 3 weeks), so I have been slapping on a few sports bras and enjoying the gorgeous weather.

It IS ridiculous that I waited this long to start, but it was icy, the baby got a cold and [insert third excuse here].  Also, I don't have the kind of... what-do-you-call-it... pride? that saddles a person with the kind of guilt that keeps them from crapping out at mile 4, so at least I know I won't overdo it.

I get to run in Cooper River Park, which is helpful because it's pretty gorgeous year round.  Today I went about 3/4 of a mile without stopping to walk, which isn't exactly braggable, but I can build from there.  Truth be told I had only run 4 miles in a stretch before I did the Broad Street Run the first time, and it was fine.

Over the years that I have half-assedly been a runner, I have learned some tricks to get through the tougher parts of a run, when you feel like quitting:

1. Visual goals:  when you feel like you'd like to walk, choose the next physical marker and tell yourself to run to that.  Even if it's only 100 feet away, you may find that when you get to it, you feel like you can keep going.  If you feel like you HAVE to walk, you should walk, but the visual goal gives you a chance to get past the stopping urge if it is just your muscles being lazy.

2. Give yourself a pattern.  A good one for beginners is; run for one minute, walk for one minute.  Just alternating helps keep your heart rate up while giving your legs and lungs the recovery time to go farther, faster than if you ran as fast as you could until you were burnt out and HAD to walk.  This is also good for preventing injury if you are concerned about your knees, back, etc.

3. Distraction.  Music is great for this, but I only like to wear headphones when I am participating in a big organized run.  When I am running alone, I feel like headphones make me vulnerable (other poeple KNOW you are distracted/ you can't hear cars or other runners), and if I am running with a buddy, I hate to feel like I'm ignoring them.  If you can't listen to music, you can think about other things; make a shopping list in your head, practice your answers to common interview questions, make mental notes about a blog post you want to write later :)

But the thing that helped me the most today was a little tip I picked up from Kimmy Schmidt; "you can stand ANYTHING for ten seconds!" 

When I felt the quitting urge, I just counted to 10, and when that 10 seconds was over, I counted to 10 again.  It's pretty insane how well it worked...

If you haven't seen it, I think the opener speaks for itself:

The Great Derailer

I went into the kitchen on Thursday to get a snack and took the last 5 Oreos out of the package and threw the bag away.  As I sat and enjoyed them on the couch, accompanied by the currently quiet hum of the baby monitor, a thought wormed it's way into my conscious mind, 'didn't I just buy these Oreos on Tuesday?' 

With half a cookie in my mouth, the other in my hand, and a sinking feeling in the base of my ribcage, I texted my husband and sheepishly asked, "Did you eat any of the Oreos in the pantry?" To which he gave the most soul-crushing response I could have asked for...

"...we had Oreos?"

NOOOOOOOO!  I had eaten an entire package of cookies in 2 days, by myself.  I had broken it up into socially acceptable stacks of cookies multiple times throughout the day, so I HADN'T EVEN NOTICED IT MYSELF, and the end of the package snuck up on me.  Once I collected myself, I realized that the only thing I could do was eat well for the rest of the day. 

Oh, were you wondering what happened to the half cookie that was in my hand?  I ate that before Dan could respond.  If I had waited until he confirmed that I had, in fact, eaten the entire package myself, I might have had to put it in the garbage disposal like it was drug paraphanelia.

But let's focus on the good that was done, and not the crazy addict behavior... for my benefit: I decided to eat well for the rest of the day.  In the past, when presented with this type of dietary derailer, I would have said, "Well, today's fucked.  Let's order a pizza and another pizza made out of a giant cookie."  But on Thursday it didn't derail me.  This is new, and I think it's important.  There is no such thing as "blowing" your diet.  Do your best to stay on track, and when you inevitably slip (because you are a human), get back on track as soon as you can.  Having pizza for lunch does not mean you can't have a healthy dinner.  I named this blog FOR that concept.  When I would indulge in the past, I would use it as an excuse to indulge all day long, and push my dietary start date til tomorrow.  But if having a baby has taught me anything, it's that the concept of NOW is most important.  When I had GD, my baby could not have waited for tomorrow for my self-control to start, or suffered through full days of high sugar readings because I "blew my diet" with a donut and then decided to eat poorly for the rest of the day.  He needed for me to begin now.

Being present in this moment also involves letting the last one go, while learning from it.

It is so easy to focus on our failures, even when we have had hundreds more successes.  After every good meal, congratulate yourself, instead of just thinking that it was what you were supposed to do.  Eating well can feel great, it can be satisfying and delicious, but it can also be HARD, and it's important to acknowledge that.  Count up your good meals and snacks against your slip ups before you have determined that you have failed, and it's time to give up on the day.  Then try not to buy Oreos the next time you go to the grocery store, and pat yourself on the back when you succeed.

Things I've learned from pregnancy and the first 4 months of motherhood

**buried treasure from 8 months ago that I never posted.  It's neat to see how things have changed...

There are things out there that are hard to understand unless you have kids or have been pregnant.  If you are among the population that has not yet gone through this crazy transformation, or never plans on it, here are some things that I wish I had known a year ago:
1.  Don't comment on a woman's body.  I know, it sounds VERY obvious, but you may have done it in a way that you didn't think was bad, or you may not have realized you were even doing it.  Predicting the baby's gender based on how a womanis carrying involves staring at her midsection for at least 2 seconds in a scrutinizing manner, which most humans don't enjoy.  When a friend of mine was expecting her second baby I was OBSESSED with how she was carrying .  Her first was a girl, and her belly was really low-profile, but her second was going to be a boy, and he stuck straight out in front!  It was incredible!  People had been telling me that with girls, you grow wide and boys were usually all in the front, so I was fascinated with the difference in her 2 pregnancies.  I started greeting her belly-first instead of making eye contact.  The thing is, I didn't realize that this obsession in and of itself could be hurtful... Until I was pregnant and EVERYONE wanted to tell me I was having a boy, or saying "wow!  You're all out in front!"  Thanks.  I know it's a boy, and I feel like a whale even though I've gained within the reccomended number of pounds.  But it took experience to realize that I was being a rude idiot myself.  If you're reading this, buddy, I'm sorry about myself;)
2.  Don't assume naptime is the best time to hang out with your new mom friend. Nap time is sacred.   It sounds like a good idea, but your friend with the baby won't mind talking to you while her tyke shrieks and squirms on her. Make her feel like it's not that much of a distraction, and try not to get annoyed with lots of interruptions (you're right, it IS annoying.  Babies are extremely rude). The thing is, she has important stuff to do during nap time, like sit on the floor in the pantry with a glass of wine and look at pictures of her exes on Facebook.  In sweet delicious silence.

** I guess I never finished it, but these two tips are still pretty good ;)

here comes the PUPPP

Ugh.  Another awesome and rare symptom of first time pregnancy:  I have developed a PUPPP rash.  I'm not posting pictures, you perv, google it if you want to see rashy pregnant bellies.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, a PUPPP (Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy) rash is an intensely itchy rash that develops inside the stretch marks that tend to appear around 35 weeks of pregnancy.  It then spreads to the thighs, buttocks, breasts, arms, and in my case calves, and does not go away until 1-2 weeks after the baby is born.  If you're wondering if you DO have it, one of the things that distinguishes a PUPPP from other, more sinister rashes, is that it starts in the stretch marks, and that it avoids the belly button area.  The good news is, its not harmful to the baby.  The bad news is, it's way annoying and itches like a healing sunburn that you contracted on top of a patch of poison ivy.
About 1 in 200 women get a PUPPP rash in their first pregnancy, and it usually does not happen in future pregnancies.  I probably shouldn't have been surprised to get it, as my skin absolutely LOVES breaking out in hives and over-reacting to allergens, perfumes, lotions, etc., plus research has shown that 70% of PUPPP sufferers are having boys (which I am) and have large belly measurements (which I do).  Awesome.
Well, I started researching online to see if I could figure out how to deal with this latest development of gestational discomfort, and I have found a number of homeopathic remedies. If you are suffering with a PUPPP, here is some good news for you:
1. Many sites that I have looked at have mentioned that the most intense itching lasts about a week, and alluded to the fact that that is the first week.  If you are in the first week and ready to claw your skin off, hang in there! 
2.  It does not usually occur in future pregnancies, so if you are planning to have more babies after this, since you earned most of your stretch marks this time, you are most likely not going to have to deal with it.
3.  Washing with Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap 4 times a day (I know, some of us work) can really help soothe the rash.  Even though I DO work, I have found that 3 showers a day is do-able, especially if you invest in a decent shower cap.  Once in the morning, once after work, then before bed.  It smells like camping, so bonus if your husband is the outdoorsy type and that is a turn-on for him.
4.  After each of your 600 showers, slather on this fabulous stuff: Derma-E itch relief lotion.  It is watery and smells very fresh, as the active ingredient is actually Tea Tree Oil.  It sounds like it would irritate, but it is very soothing, and it actually works (for me) better than any of the hydrocortisone creams that I have tried.
5.  To soften your skin, if the above combination is making your skin feel a little tight, try a plain Coconut Oil.  I think it's much better than other body oils, as it soaks in and feels less greasy than let's say a vitamin E oil or bio-oil (which also smells like perfume).  Coconut oil is also anti-microbial, so it can help doubly in the healing process.
6.  If you can't deal with it at night (i.e. the rash is waking you up multiple times in the night) you might want to try Benadryl.  You may not need it after that first atrocious week, and the more sleep you get, the better you will feel and heal.  Benadryl is generally considered to be safe (even my midwife says it's OK!) but every pregnancy and every woman is different, so check with your healthcare provider before you start taking anything.
7.  Aveeno products: this concentrated anti-itch lotion works better than any of the 1% hydrocortisone products I have tried, with the added benefit of being steroid-free.  The active ingredient is calamine, but it doesn't make your skin all sticky and cracky afterwards.  Plus the bottle is relatively small, so you can keep it in your purse if you are still working or going out, and apply as needed.  Every once in a while, the good ol fashioned Aveeno bath is also nice.  I have found that it's relatively torturous during, but very soothing after.  Whether it's after a shower or an Aveeno bath, try to resist the urge to use a rough towel to scratch the absolute shit out of yourself.  Lastly, there is this intensive healing ointment that is great for the bit of overdrying that all of the showering and anti-itch creams are contributing to.  I have found that I can tolerate it at night if I mix in a little of the aforementioned Derms-E and put layers of tight knit clothing on top of it and slip into a Benadryl-induced hibernation of sorts.  This has been the single most beneficial element of my healing process.  Even though it feels like Neosporin all over your itchy body, in the morning you will wake up feeling slightly less itchy and much softer.  It DID take a few nights before I started to see a difference, but my red marks are healing and flattening, and my stretch marks are even getting lighter.
8.  I don't know if this is actually helping, but a few people on message boards about PUPPP mentioned drinking 2 servings of V8 each day.  I have been doing this, but I have also been doing all of the other stuff listed above, so it's hard to say how much the V8 contributes to the healing.  My only recommendation, if you are going to try this, is to get the low sodium version of V8, because the regular stuff has about 480 mg of sodium per serving, compared to 140mg in the low-sodium version.  If you don't like the taste, try to think of it as taking your medicine, and think about all of the extra vitamins and minerals you are getting!  GO YOU! 

GD Diet #3: Apple Snacks

This is SO SIMPLE, and completely fabulous.

Walnuts are a fabulous place to load up on DHA while you are pregnant, especially in the last trimester when your baby's brain is developing the most.  However, as many of you may already know, walnuts all by themselves are totally lame and boring, and taste like licking a tin can.  Another great food for pregnancy (see the book 100 Best Foods for Pregnancy, it is divided by trimester with nice recipe tips!) is an apple, but a whole apple, without a complementary protein source, is a big no-no for girls with GD, as it is one of the sugariest of all fruits (25g of carbs).  I give you, quick and easy apple snacks:

you will need:
1/2 of an apple
1-2 oz of soft goat cheese (depending on your taste)
halved walnuts (as many as you have slices of apple)

Cut the apple into 1/4 inch thick slices, smear the desired amount of goat cheese on each one, and use the goat cheese as a sort of glue to hold one beautiful 1/2 of a walnut to each piece.  If you don't have GD, or if this snack doesn't seem to bother your readings at all, and you desire a little more sweetness, try a spot of honey on each slice.  This also makes a great treat for parties if you are hosting with GD, or attending a potluck where you are concerned there will be no dessert for you. ;) 
1/2 an apple all dressed up (without the honey) is about 16g of carbs

GD Diet #2: Bunless Burger with Quinoa

Tip #1: serve on a tiny plate, as this dinner is dense, and doesn't look very filling.

This has been one of my favorite (and Dan's favorite) recipes that I have come up with since the GD diagnosis.  It really feels indulgent.  If you are finding that carbs like quinoa are spiking your sugars, try a vegetable side instead.  I will post a great generic veggie roasting tip in a few days for your reference.  The nice thing about this one is that it takes maybe 25 minutes.

Ingredients (serves 4):
16 oz of grass-fed ground beef (or bison if you want something a little leaner and earthier)
1/2 bag of pre-washed spinach or baby spinach
1/3 cup of pine nuts
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 cup uncooked quinoa
4 oz goat cheese
2 tbsp. faux butter (I like the Earth Balance made with olive oil)

Begin by cutting your 16 oz of meat into 4 equal pieces, and then hand-smooshing them into patties.  place in a lightly-oiled pan together and let them start to cook on med/high.  Salt and pepper to your liking (you won't need too much- the topping is flavorful).  Flip them when they look like they have almost cooked to their centers (when viewing from the side)
put your cup of quinoa and a cup of water into a pot and bring to a rolling boil, then lower the heat so it is simmering while you work on the rest of your meal.  Once the water is completely evaporated, turn off the heat and mix in a little faux-butter.
In another pan, pour a little olive oil and then dump your spinach leaves.  Allow them to wilt and toss them around a little.  Once they are completely wilted, mix in your pine nuts and goat cheese.  Combine until the goat cheese is completely melty and the mixture looks a little like fancy creamed spinach. 
On a salad-sized plate, place your burger, top with the spinach mixture, and add a side of the quinoa.
It's really, really lovely, promise.