My Eyes Are Up Here

Below is a little ditty I wrote a few months ago before Evelyn was born.  Finally polished it up enough to feel comfortable sharing it.  Enjoy!

Here I am at 38 weeks (9 months) pregnant. I will not say "this is what 9 months pregnant looks like" because I have seen people with bellies much bigger and much smaller than mine at this stage in the game (and not all that were bigger were having multiples, thank you), and they have been healthy people with healthy pregnancies and normal-sized babies.  I have gained 26 lbs, which is within the normal range, and my belly measurements are spot on every appointment.  I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying it to point out that this belly is AVERAGE.

Yesterday, working at a shop on the main strip of Collingswood, 6 separate people could not resist looking at my belly wide-eyed as if they thought I was going to hand them some pinking shears and recruit them to personally give me an emergency c-section, and then proceeded to ask me one of three questions (or in one lady's case, all three in a row):

1. Omg when are you due, yesterday?

2. That baby is going to be huge!

3. Are you sure there's only 1 in there?

The most baffling part of all of this, to me, is that 100% of the people who did this to me yesterday were middle aged women who have had children.  And I can't understand why.  Why you would need to be told, when you have been here before, that saying things like that, to another person, is hurtful.  The more common offense from men is usually staring at me and then trying to guess the gender of my baby based on how I am carrying.

I totally understand that I am at the point in my pregnancy where people who love talking to strangers about their personal lives are saying "oh thank god I can bring up her pregnancy because it's SO OBVIOUS," but at the same time, I don't understand why people would prefer to be right rather than polite.  I am not an object to be bet on.  When you ask me when I'm due, don't follow it up with "do you REALLY think you'll go that long?" And my answer is "my dr seems to think so.  I did not guess the date myself, I LEFT THAT TO A PROFESSIONAL."  People want so badly to argue with me about the due date, the size of the baby, the number of babies in my body, as if I was just going about this alone without having to endure the 600 ultrasounds, 48 blood tests, and weekly OB visits that come with being "advanced maternal age."  I shouldn't have to mention this, but you should never comment on a persons body, EVER, and you should be ESPECIALLY careful when that person is literally bursting at the seams with hormones that make her want to get into a bare-knuckle boxing match with live alligators over lesser offenses.

So, if you need a cheat sheet, I am here to help.  Here is a list of things, pulled from REAL CONVERSATIONS I HAVE ACTUALLY HAD IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS, that you can and cannot say to a pregnant woman:

1. "Oh my god, you're huge!"  I wish I could say I only heard this once, but this is probably the one that I have heard the most frequently.  This one is never ok to say to anyone ever.

2. "When are you due... Like yesterday?" (Or "any day now?") ok, so you have stepped over an etiquette line by assuming someone is pregnant, and in my case it's obvious, so I'll give you a pass.  But if you have asked me when I'm due, STOP TALKING AND LET ME ANSWER.  The only thing I can think of that would be equivalent to this would be guessing someone's weight outside of a carnival setting... And once I've answered don't follow it up with "do you REALLY think you'll make it that long?" Or "you should have your doctor recheck your due date" as if you are an expert in comparing the visual circumference of a woman's belly to the date at which a baby will be born.  Oh, did you carry differently? Neat. I don't care.

3. "Are you sure there's only 1 in there?" To be fair, this one is usually a follow-up question to one of the above, so you've already pissed me off significantly.  But yes, I know there is only one, because it's not 1975 and today if you're pregnant, they want to look at that puppy 65 times before it comes out.  They notice tiny shit, I think they'd see A SECOND BABY if it was in there. 

4. "You look like you're about to pop!" Ew. This one is both rude and gross.  I'm not an abscess, I'm a person, and when this baby comes out of me, hopefully it's not going to spontaneously explode out the front.

5. "That's going to be one big baby!" STFU.  No pregnant woman wants to hear, "you probably won't be able to get that baby out of you," so don't even imply it.  Also, if I drew a line on my sides where my body normally ends and I look at what remains, there's about enough room for a 5 lb baby, a big ol' placenta, and a bunch of water for her to wiggle around in. And boy does this girl move.

6. "Get sleep while you can because once baby is here you'll never sleep again!"  Fuck you, pregnancy is exhausting, exciting, and insomnia inducing. So pardon me if I CAN'T sleep right now, or if the thought of "never sleeping again" gives me so much anxiety that my joy in meeting this baby is now tainted with the 75 horror stories people have told me about their 2-year olds this week. And speaking of horror stories...

7. Do not tell me your delivery horror stories.  

8. "This heat must be hell for you!" This one is ok! Thanks for your sympathy and for understanding that however disgustingly hot it feels to you right now, it feels 10 degrees hotter to a pregnant lady.

9. "You must be exhausted/ ready for this to be over/ sick of summer." I am, thank you. And congrats on not making me angry.

10. More fantastic things to say or ask: "How are you feeling?," "You're glowing," "You look great," and, "do you want me to pick up a donut for you at the farmers market?" ...for the record, The answer to the last question is "yes, but be a doll and get one for yourself too and eat it with me so I don't feel bad.  Actually you might as well pick up 4..."

Confessions of a Pregnant Toddler-Mommy

Before Asa was born, I decided that I would like to write letters to him when the mood struck, and collect them up and give them to him at some point when he is an adult.  The idea is to overwhelm him with love in a way that will probably make me feel really great and make him feel kind of uncomfortable.  But if I can't make my child uncomfortable by overloving him then WHAT THE HELL WAS I PUT ON THIS PLANET TO DO?!

Anyway, I wrote my 3rd or 4th letter to him on Monday, after a nice outing with a friend and fellow-mommy, that I thought many, if not all moms could relate to.  Enjoy.

7-24-16 letter to Asa:

Today was really hard for some reason.  We went to the aquarium with my friend Rachel and her 8-month old son, and you were mostly good.  It was hard to hear a word from Rachel because there was so much noise echoing, and I was focused on corralling you without stifling your freedom.  I let you walk most of the time, which turned to running, so we both ran, weaving in and out of people and stopping to hear you exclaim "a fish! A fish! Woooooowwwww!" Which was delightful.  You are going through a phase where I give you verbal direction and you just ignore me, which is different from a few months ago when I could trust you to walk in the park with me for a half hour without you needing to be put back in the stroller.  You do usually like to hold hands though, which is fantastic, but you get so incredibly frustrated and angry when I try to change directions, or when you can't do something for yourself (sorry- you get that from me, hopefully we can make you more comfortable with the learning process than I was).

Henry wanted Rachel to wear him in a front pack the whole time we walked.  He would touch her face and smile this incredible smile.  I felt myself getting jealous, which was ridiculous and, at the time, passed quickly.  You are doing so many amazing things, and even though this phase can be brutal (I'm 7 months pregnant and wrestling a 25 pound toddler when you're carrying 15 pounds of unborn baby is no picnic), it's also amazing to see.  You have SO MANY books memorized, and you page through them saying key words and inserting a little rhythmic jibberish in between.  You ask for what you want; tonight you wanted a banana and toast and asparagus (pronounced "pabaragus," but I gave you green beans and you didn't mind) for dinner.  You climb into the rocking chair and with an emphatic nod request "a milk" and then rock yourself.  You still give great hugs, love music, laugh wholeheartedly, and read with an endless appetite.

But I can't comfort you the way I used to.  When you are really frustrated and upset, I want to hold you, but what you need is for me to give you your space, and I wasn't ready for that yet.  I finally understand the mothers that I never wanted to be, crying that their baby is growing up too fast, plunging their sticky hands toward any friends' infant they come near and then feeling like an enormous ass when that baby bursts into tears because her movements were too sudden, her laugh too loud.  Her child isn't the only one who has grown out of the baby phase, she has too.  She's a toddler-mommy now and has little appeal to sensitive infants.

Dad was having feelings this evening and I quickly absorbed them.  We listed all the things that frustrated us throughout the day instead of talking about the fun we had or what we were able to accomplish, and then we found ourselves sitting in awkward silence.  We tried to go to bed.  I felt "off" but not despondent.  I didn't feel like anything that had happened was a very big deal, but I couldn't sleep.  He started snoring and I went downstairs to cry.  As soon as I got to the bottom of the steps I felt it all.  I saw the door to your room, not quite closed, not open enough to let any light in to disturb you.  I felt a pang in my stomach and a shrinking in my ribcage.
I wished so much that I could go into your room and scoop you up and you would stay asleep.  That I could stretch out in the recliner with you and we could wake up at sunrise fully rested and happy, but I knew I couldn't.  I couldn't have even done that with you when you were tiny!  It was a fantasy, and for some reason I was fully aware of the fact that, not only had that moment never happened, but that moment was in the past.  So I just cried, for all the feelings of loss that everyday mothers feel as their babies grow, as their relationships with their partners change, as their bodies start to look like someone else's.  I never thought motherhood would feel so lonely.

But even as I write this, your sister is kicking me, and I think of you smiling at me with your beautiful face.  I know that when I walk into your room in the morning you will stand up and enthusiastically greet me with "a.. A mommy!" And then show me your turtle pillow, tell me it says "ribbit" and I'm sure you'll surprise me with some detail from a dream you had last night, and I will feel like I'm walking on clouds.
I'm excited to meet your sister, and see your relationship grow, but for now I'll have to settle for taking a peek at you after I go to the bathroom for the 3rd time tonight.  I promise to always try to put your needs first, and to catch myself when I really really want to get you out of bed for a sleepy cuddle.  I love you, Cookie.

xoxo,
Mommy

Checking into cosmetics rehab

I look at my 20 month old son's eyes and feel an embarrassing pang of jealousy.
'Why the hell do guys get the best lashes?' I ask myself.
Then I answer, 'Probably because they also get all the other hair everywhere and it's totally ridiculous that we expect women to grow lush, thick, fabulous hair in like 3 places, but we are supposed to notice our 3 black beard hairs before anyone else does and tweeze them immediately.'

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my sister-in-law about what it's like to have a little girl.  Her daughter is 5 now, and has been the most considerate, sociable child since she was about 8 days old.  I remember when she was 3, I hadn't seen her in a month, and when I came into my in-laws home, she gave me a big "Hi Aunt Gwetchen!" with a hug and then proceeded to ask me how I was feeling.  She had remembered (even though I didn't) that I had an upset stomach the last time I saw her.
In our conversation, my sister-in-law shared an anecdote with me about how Soleil had seen her wearing makeup for a night out and told her that she "liked her face better without makeup." (of course she did, she knows exactly what to say to everyone always).  Amy confidently thanked her and then told her that she simply liked to wear makeup sometimes because it is fun for her.  I had a sinking feeling because I knew that this is not the relationship I have with my face.

I have felt some pressure (but not too much anxiety) to get my neuroses in order before my daughter arrives in October, because I am convinced that my shit will become her shit if I am not careful.  I also want to raise my son, Asa, in a conscientious manner so that he is both confident and sensitive to the feelings of others.  I think that the way you raise a boy is just as important as the way you raise a girl, but for some reason I feel less prepared for the new challenge.  It is ferreting out all of my major and minor insecurities and forcing me to look at them head-on.  What will I do if I hear my daughter talk about herself in the same way that I do?'

I am not worried about Asa's confidence, or his judgment of other people.
When we thought of his name before he was born, I had a couple of moments where I thought, "Shit, this kid better have a heap of confidence and bravery to go through life with a strong, defiant, beautiful, but sometimes-thought-of-as-feminine name."  If his 20 month old personality is any indicator, I need not worry; He barrels through life with a huge smile on his face, shows no change in his reaction to me when I go from long wavy hair, to a bob, to a pixie, and gives no shits at all when he sees me with or without makeup.  2 days after my mother had surgery on her eyelids, she was puffy, with dark stitches near the crease over each eye.  Asa had been hanging out with her for over 24 hours, behaving normally and saying "Nana, Nana, again again!!" demanding books be read to him through her watery eyes.  At one point, while sitting in her lap, he looked up at her face for a solid minute and just said "eyes."  No reaction, not upset or entertained.  He just noticed them.  Then he moved on.

It feels different preparing for a girl.  I am constantly irritated by the only-pink options and ballerina slippers all over everything.  I hear beautiful things written by moms of girls about how they plan to "fight the good fight" and often they are fighting against things I have said myself and meant no offense by.  I want to do a good job here, and I thought my feminist chops were sufficient, but it turns out I have more work to do.

The first step needs to be loving myself, all of myself, and showing that kind of beauty to my daughter.
People who meet me might think that I am confident because I am loud and I DO like to say things like "you're lucky you get to hang out with ME all day, I would fucking love that, I love myself." which is mostly true, but sometimes smacks of fake-it-til-you-make-it bravado.  I'm a Leo.  I have a big personality, but I am not without my insecurities.
So let's tackle my cosmetics addiction.
Until Thursday, I would not leave the house without mascara on.  I could forgo foundation, eyeshadow, or lip stain, but not mascara.  My eyelashes are hilariously stubby and blonde at the ends, despite my not being blonde at all, and they have only gotten shorter in the last few years with fluctuating pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones and the hair growth and loss that results from it.  I also may have accidentally bought waterproof mascara in my last cosmetics run, causing my eyelashes to suffocate, clump, and break in ways that I haven't experienced before.
On Thursday I decided that, at the very least, my eyelashes need a break from this crap, and I stopped wearing it.  The first day, I tried to compensate by using eyeliner and shadow, but then I kind of gave that up.  What better time of year to try naked skin than the summer, when you can spontaneously end up in the sprinkler with your toddler?
Over the weekend, my husband mentioned twice to me that I was so beautiful, and last night I decided to ask him about it.  "Did you notice that I had stopped wearing eye makeup and you were trying to support me, or did you just think I looked great?"
He said he hadn't realized my experiment.  He wanted to be present for this pregnancy the way we were for the first one, so he was slowing down and really looking at me, big heaving belly and paltry eyelashes, and he felt so happy and in love that he wanted to stop and tell me about it.
Perfect.
So I talked to him about my insecurities.  I told him that it will be hard for me to truly like my face without makeup, and I don't know exactly why yet.  That I have a hundred female friends that I have seen with and without makeup and never thought ONCE that any of them should really wear makeup rather than go without.  I know we are all our worst critics, but to me, my face with makeup and my face without are 2 VERY DIFFERENT faces.  My face with makeup is beautiful.  I really love it, and I have come to associate it with WHO I AM.  My face without is blotchy, shiny, porous, and masculine (or maybe I just think that because I look the EXACT SAME as my younger brother).  I KNOW that these things are not true to other people, but at the very least I need to get accustomed to this face without makeup, to associate her with my identity, and not something to be hidden under something "more beautiful."
There were other crutches that I had been dependent on that had been stripped away in recent months as well.  If I have a good figure I could "get away" with not wearing much makeup.  If my hair was longer I could "get away with it" too.  What the hell am I "getting away with"?!

In talking to Dan about it, he tried to help by telling me how much he loved that face- the one without makeup, and proceeded to tell me WHAT he loved about it.  He can't see some of those things under foundation, he said... I had to stop him.  There was an immense knot developing in my ribcage and I needed to figure out why.
"My biggest fear," I said, "is that I look fundamentally different without my makeup.  I need to know that the difference is not that great, and that whether or not I am wearing makeup is NO BIG DEAL."
He agreed.  He had done nothing wrong.  It was my own built up insecurities rearing their ugly heads.

So here I am, in all of my face-naked glory, ready to commit to you that I will LOVE THIS FACE.  I will love it because it's mine.  I will love it because it's real.  I will love it because if it belonged to a friend I would never notice the makeup on or off of it, and I will love it to show my daughter how to love herself.

My "4th Trimester" Body

When I found out I was expecting Asa early in 2014, one of the first anxieties that creeped into my mind centered around my body image and whether I would be able to provide a safe and healthy growing space for my baby-to-be.  I made sure that my husband and midwife were both clear about my past body image issues so that they could keep an eye on my habits and keep me in check.  It turned out to be a non-issue, as I felt the most love for my body in my adult life.  As my waistline expanded and I could feel Asa move, I was so enthralled by the process that I didn't have space for feeling bad about the way I looked.  I wore smaller, tighter things that I had in a long time, and I generally felt great.  But then came the question of how this would effect my body long-term.  When the beautiful baby bump was gone, how would my feelings for my body change?  Would I expect to look like "myself" again? Or would I be more understanding of the massive changes that had happened in my body over the last year?

My friend Kathryn telepathically heard my concerns and, while I was still pregnant, she sent me a website full of inspirational birth stories and gorgeous photographs of mothers with their children, baring it all.  It's the 4th Trimester Bodies Project, and they tour the U.S. documenting women's journeys to motherhood and celebrating the beauty inherent in the changes.  

Now, the timing didn't line up for me to have my own photoshoot in the window I wanted, so I employed the help of another Catherine, and created my own rendition, inspired by the 4th Trimester Bodies Project.  

Special thanks to Kathryn Evans Ombam for introducing me to the site, to Karen Shields, CNM, Courtney Nagy, Shirley Diehl, and Daniel Hoffman for giving me an unbelievable birthing experience, to Inez Diehl and Grace Hittinger, both of whom were present in spirit at the birth center and gave me strength, to the 4th Trimester Bodies Project for inspiring this shoot and helping women love their shape post-partum, and to Catherine Van Curen who took these gorgeous photos for my family and I to enjoy:)

11-15-15

The magnificent Gretchen Diehl and Asa Chaim Hoffman-Diehl, 13 months.

In late 2013, my husband and I decided that in 2014, we would "leave it up to the universe" and stop preventing the possibility of a pregnancy.  We were not sure of our fertility and we're open to adoption, but were also avoiding saying we were "trying" because so many friends of ours had "tried" and it caused them a lot of anxiety.  At the end of January, I had a dream about my grandmother Inez, in her home.  My husband and I were purchasing her house in the dream and she was concerned she would have no place to go, so she asked if she could stay with us, and I said, "of course!" And she disappeared.  I thought the dream was special because I had never dreamt of my grandmother before, so I wrote it down.  Around the same time I started working on my tarot deck illustrations, and began researching the tarot.  I felt like I was tapped into something big.  In February I felt a hardness very low in my belly, and I took a pregnancy test, which came up negative.  After a couple of weeks and a few more negative tests, I grew concerned that I might have a tumor in my uterus or intestines.  I made an appointment with an OB in early March.  He didn't give me a pregnancy test at my visit, and his internal exam was rough and uncomfortable.  He agreed something was wrong and gave me a script for an ultrasound to see what was blocking me (since I also had not had a period since November).  Alone in my house that day, I called and made the appointment.  I had another pregnancy test, so I figured I would take it just because.  It was positive.  I was overwhelmed.  I was also alone in the house for the next 3 hours.  I called the operator at the hospital where I was scheduled to have my ultrasound and told her what happened, but as soon as the words "I'm pregnant" came out of my mouth I started crying.  The operator was excited too.  She asked if she was the first person I told, and I said yes, and we gabbed for 30 mins before deciding I did not have to cancel the ultrasound appointment, I was just coming for a different reason now.  I was already 7.5 weeks pregnant.  Dan and I were thrust into expectant parenthood.

After the unpleasant experience at the OB, I decided to research alternative birthing centers and found Gentle Beginnings in Haddon Heights, NJ with Karen Shields, CNM.  It was amazing from day 1.  Supportive women who recognized the power and nature of the female body encouraged me along the way.  My pregnancy was mostly easy and comfortable.  There were foods that made me nauseous, but I didn't really have morning sickness, I was exhausted in the first trimester, but luckily, was on sabbatical and was able to sleep A LOT.  

At 20 weeks, we got the anatomy scan and everything looked good.  At that point I was convinced I was having a girl (and had wanted a little girl for a long time), but the scan proved we were having a boy. I was upset, and then I was disgusted with myself for being upset.  I knew I would love my baby, but what if I didn't like him?

In the beginning of my third trimester I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, but was able to diet manage, and a few weeks after that I developed some sort of awful itchy rash all over my body.  It began at my stretch marks and slowly spread across my chest, breasts, and legs.  It was easily the most maddening pregnancy symptom, and thankfully, disappeared right before labor.

On October 11th I started having contractions.  I called the midwives who assured me that I would know when it was time to come to the birthing center.  I kept having contractions between 4 and 10 minutes apart, and on October 18th, they became hard to ignore.  I had slept badly for a full week and was tired.  I went in to the birthing center and they checked my dilation which was only 2cm.  They sent me away to go for a walk and I felt like this baby would never want to come out.  After a long walk we went back to the center and the midwives admitted me.  

Early labor was easy to manage via the power of dance.  Dan brought the laptop filled with disco music and we had a private dance party for the first few hours.  Swaying and shaking eased the intensity of the contractions and the energy was high.  I felt like I was making progress, but after another examination I had only progressed another centimeter. I spent some time doing hip circles on an exercise ball, and sitting in a lukewarm bath.  By the time Courtney arrived, it was after midnight. I was shaking and vomiting, and was very excited to think that I might be in transition.  Another exam showed that I was now at 4cm.  I was starting to feel defeated.

Karen suggested that I might be exhausted and dehydrated, so after some deliberation, I took a shot of morphine in the glute, and was hooked up to an IV.  After a few hours of drug-induced dozing and IV fluids, I felt refreshed.  I got on the ball as soon as I was able, and Dan assisted me with doing hip circles through the strong contractions.  I was still progressing slowly, and Karen suggested breaking my water.  I was scared because she said it would get more intense, but things would move faster.  I had no idea what "more intense" would feel like.  Courtney suggested I go ahead with the procedure, and boy did things get real.  Contractions got so intense I started making panicked noises, but each time Dan and Courtney and my mom would encourage me to breathe and I blew air through my lips to control my breath. 

It came time to push, and I tried to find a good position.  The monitors lost Asa's heartbeat and I needed to shift repeatedly and stay still through contractions to find his heartbeat again.  Once it was found, it seemed like the cord might be wrapped around his neck. Karen was serious, but calm and clear.  She said, "Gretchen, I need you to lay on your back, pull your knees up, and push your baby out as fast as you can.  On the first contraction, I pushed hard, and he was crowning.  On the second his head was out.  Karen said, "I need you to push your baby OUT on this next contraction." Dan was behind my shoulder, and I heard his voice crack while he said, "you're doing a great job, babe" and I realized in that moment we were about to meet our baby.  It gave me the strength I needed, and with an animal roar, I pushed Asa out.  The cord was wrapped around his neck twice and once around his chest.  Karen did a masterful maneuver, flipping him multiple times to free him.  We left the cord attached and I held him in my arms.  He latched pretty instantly.  I looked up at Dan and said, "ok! We can do it again!"  He was 7 lbs 9 oz and 20.5 inches long.  

Asa was colicky and had terribly itchy, plaquey skin.  We learned when he was about 4 weeks old that he was sensitive to milk and soy and I changed my diet.  At around 2 months, we started to get to know our baby's real personality, and he's a real pip.  He has now grown out of his milk and soy sensitivity, and loves cheese and yogurt.  Asa showed a love for books, art and music pretty early and now his favorite activity is sitting in a pile of board books chattering to himself.  He is loving, inspiring, and a huge flirt.  It has been amazing getting to know him.

Interested in the photographs?  You can send inquiries directly to Catherine here:

photographybycatherinevancuren@gmail.com

Interested in natural birth in Southern NJ?  Check out Gentle Beginnings here:

gentlebeginningsnj.com

Interested in seeing more pictures and reading more inspiring birth stories?  Check out the 4th Trimester Bodies Project here:

4thtrimesterbodies.com

Unbreakable Gretchen Diehl

Females are strong as hell.

I decided 4 days ago that I should start training for the Broad Streeet Run (you know, the 10-miler that happens in 3 weeks), so I have been slapping on a few sports bras and enjoying the gorgeous weather.

It IS ridiculous that I waited this long to start, but it was icy, the baby got a cold and [insert third excuse here].  Also, I don't have the kind of... what-do-you-call-it... pride? that saddles a person with the kind of guilt that keeps them from crapping out at mile 4, so at least I know I won't overdo it.

I get to run in Cooper River Park, which is helpful because it's pretty gorgeous year round.  Today I went about 3/4 of a mile without stopping to walk, which isn't exactly braggable, but I can build from there.  Truth be told I had only run 4 miles in a stretch before I did the Broad Street Run the first time, and it was fine.

Over the years that I have half-assedly been a runner, I have learned some tricks to get through the tougher parts of a run, when you feel like quitting:

1. Visual goals:  when you feel like you'd like to walk, choose the next physical marker and tell yourself to run to that.  Even if it's only 100 feet away, you may find that when you get to it, you feel like you can keep going.  If you feel like you HAVE to walk, you should walk, but the visual goal gives you a chance to get past the stopping urge if it is just your muscles being lazy.

2. Give yourself a pattern.  A good one for beginners is; run for one minute, walk for one minute.  Just alternating helps keep your heart rate up while giving your legs and lungs the recovery time to go farther, faster than if you ran as fast as you could until you were burnt out and HAD to walk.  This is also good for preventing injury if you are concerned about your knees, back, etc.

3. Distraction.  Music is great for this, but I only like to wear headphones when I am participating in a big organized run.  When I am running alone, I feel like headphones make me vulnerable (other poeple KNOW you are distracted/ you can't hear cars or other runners), and if I am running with a buddy, I hate to feel like I'm ignoring them.  If you can't listen to music, you can think about other things; make a shopping list in your head, practice your answers to common interview questions, make mental notes about a blog post you want to write later :)

But the thing that helped me the most today was a little tip I picked up from Kimmy Schmidt; "you can stand ANYTHING for ten seconds!" 

When I felt the quitting urge, I just counted to 10, and when that 10 seconds was over, I counted to 10 again.  It's pretty insane how well it worked...

If you haven't seen it, I think the opener speaks for itself:

The Great Derailer

I went into the kitchen on Thursday to get a snack and took the last 5 Oreos out of the package and threw the bag away.  As I sat and enjoyed them on the couch, accompanied by the currently quiet hum of the baby monitor, a thought wormed it's way into my conscious mind, 'didn't I just buy these Oreos on Tuesday?' 

With half a cookie in my mouth, the other in my hand, and a sinking feeling in the base of my ribcage, I texted my husband and sheepishly asked, "Did you eat any of the Oreos in the pantry?" To which he gave the most soul-crushing response I could have asked for...

"...we had Oreos?"

NOOOOOOOO!  I had eaten an entire package of cookies in 2 days, by myself.  I had broken it up into socially acceptable stacks of cookies multiple times throughout the day, so I HADN'T EVEN NOTICED IT MYSELF, and the end of the package snuck up on me.  Once I collected myself, I realized that the only thing I could do was eat well for the rest of the day. 

Oh, were you wondering what happened to the half cookie that was in my hand?  I ate that before Dan could respond.  If I had waited until he confirmed that I had, in fact, eaten the entire package myself, I might have had to put it in the garbage disposal like it was drug paraphanelia.

But let's focus on the good that was done, and not the crazy addict behavior... for my benefit: I decided to eat well for the rest of the day.  In the past, when presented with this type of dietary derailer, I would have said, "Well, today's fucked.  Let's order a pizza and another pizza made out of a giant cookie."  But on Thursday it didn't derail me.  This is new, and I think it's important.  There is no such thing as "blowing" your diet.  Do your best to stay on track, and when you inevitably slip (because you are a human), get back on track as soon as you can.  Having pizza for lunch does not mean you can't have a healthy dinner.  I named this blog FOR that concept.  When I would indulge in the past, I would use it as an excuse to indulge all day long, and push my dietary start date til tomorrow.  But if having a baby has taught me anything, it's that the concept of NOW is most important.  When I had GD, my baby could not have waited for tomorrow for my self-control to start, or suffered through full days of high sugar readings because I "blew my diet" with a donut and then decided to eat poorly for the rest of the day.  He needed for me to begin now.

Being present in this moment also involves letting the last one go, while learning from it.

It is so easy to focus on our failures, even when we have had hundreds more successes.  After every good meal, congratulate yourself, instead of just thinking that it was what you were supposed to do.  Eating well can feel great, it can be satisfying and delicious, but it can also be HARD, and it's important to acknowledge that.  Count up your good meals and snacks against your slip ups before you have determined that you have failed, and it's time to give up on the day.  Then try not to buy Oreos the next time you go to the grocery store, and pat yourself on the back when you succeed.

Things I've learned from pregnancy and the first 4 months of motherhood

**buried treasure from 8 months ago that I never posted.  It's neat to see how things have changed...

There are things out there that are hard to understand unless you have kids or have been pregnant.  If you are among the population that has not yet gone through this crazy transformation, or never plans on it, here are some things that I wish I had known a year ago:
1.  Don't comment on a woman's body.  I know, it sounds VERY obvious, but you may have done it in a way that you didn't think was bad, or you may not have realized you were even doing it.  Predicting the baby's gender based on how a womanis carrying involves staring at her midsection for at least 2 seconds in a scrutinizing manner, which most humans don't enjoy.  When a friend of mine was expecting her second baby I was OBSESSED with how she was carrying .  Her first was a girl, and her belly was really low-profile, but her second was going to be a boy, and he stuck straight out in front!  It was incredible!  People had been telling me that with girls, you grow wide and boys were usually all in the front, so I was fascinated with the difference in her 2 pregnancies.  I started greeting her belly-first instead of making eye contact.  The thing is, I didn't realize that this obsession in and of itself could be hurtful... Until I was pregnant and EVERYONE wanted to tell me I was having a boy, or saying "wow!  You're all out in front!"  Thanks.  I know it's a boy, and I feel like a whale even though I've gained within the reccomended number of pounds.  But it took experience to realize that I was being a rude idiot myself.  If you're reading this, buddy, I'm sorry about myself;)
2.  Don't assume naptime is the best time to hang out with your new mom friend. Nap time is sacred.   It sounds like a good idea, but your friend with the baby won't mind talking to you while her tyke shrieks and squirms on her. Make her feel like it's not that much of a distraction, and try not to get annoyed with lots of interruptions (you're right, it IS annoying.  Babies are extremely rude). The thing is, she has important stuff to do during nap time, like sit on the floor in the pantry with a glass of wine and look at pictures of her exes on Facebook.  In sweet delicious silence.

** I guess I never finished it, but these two tips are still pretty good ;)

here comes the PUPPP

Ugh.  Another awesome and rare symptom of first time pregnancy:  I have developed a PUPPP rash.  I'm not posting pictures, you perv, google it if you want to see rashy pregnant bellies.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, a PUPPP (Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy) rash is an intensely itchy rash that develops inside the stretch marks that tend to appear around 35 weeks of pregnancy.  It then spreads to the thighs, buttocks, breasts, arms, and in my case calves, and does not go away until 1-2 weeks after the baby is born.  If you're wondering if you DO have it, one of the things that distinguishes a PUPPP from other, more sinister rashes, is that it starts in the stretch marks, and that it avoids the belly button area.  The good news is, its not harmful to the baby.  The bad news is, it's way annoying and itches like a healing sunburn that you contracted on top of a patch of poison ivy.
About 1 in 200 women get a PUPPP rash in their first pregnancy, and it usually does not happen in future pregnancies.  I probably shouldn't have been surprised to get it, as my skin absolutely LOVES breaking out in hives and over-reacting to allergens, perfumes, lotions, etc., plus research has shown that 70% of PUPPP sufferers are having boys (which I am) and have large belly measurements (which I do).  Awesome.
Well, I started researching online to see if I could figure out how to deal with this latest development of gestational discomfort, and I have found a number of homeopathic remedies. If you are suffering with a PUPPP, here is some good news for you:
1. Many sites that I have looked at have mentioned that the most intense itching lasts about a week, and alluded to the fact that that is the first week.  If you are in the first week and ready to claw your skin off, hang in there! 
2.  It does not usually occur in future pregnancies, so if you are planning to have more babies after this, since you earned most of your stretch marks this time, you are most likely not going to have to deal with it.
3.  Washing with Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap 4 times a day (I know, some of us work) can really help soothe the rash.  Even though I DO work, I have found that 3 showers a day is do-able, especially if you invest in a decent shower cap.  Once in the morning, once after work, then before bed.  It smells like camping, so bonus if your husband is the outdoorsy type and that is a turn-on for him.
4.  After each of your 600 showers, slather on this fabulous stuff: Derma-E itch relief lotion.  It is watery and smells very fresh, as the active ingredient is actually Tea Tree Oil.  It sounds like it would irritate, but it is very soothing, and it actually works (for me) better than any of the hydrocortisone creams that I have tried.
5.  To soften your skin, if the above combination is making your skin feel a little tight, try a plain Coconut Oil.  I think it's much better than other body oils, as it soaks in and feels less greasy than let's say a vitamin E oil or bio-oil (which also smells like perfume).  Coconut oil is also anti-microbial, so it can help doubly in the healing process.
6.  If you can't deal with it at night (i.e. the rash is waking you up multiple times in the night) you might want to try Benadryl.  You may not need it after that first atrocious week, and the more sleep you get, the better you will feel and heal.  Benadryl is generally considered to be safe (even my midwife says it's OK!) but every pregnancy and every woman is different, so check with your healthcare provider before you start taking anything.
7.  Aveeno products: this concentrated anti-itch lotion works better than any of the 1% hydrocortisone products I have tried, with the added benefit of being steroid-free.  The active ingredient is calamine, but it doesn't make your skin all sticky and cracky afterwards.  Plus the bottle is relatively small, so you can keep it in your purse if you are still working or going out, and apply as needed.  Every once in a while, the good ol fashioned Aveeno bath is also nice.  I have found that it's relatively torturous during, but very soothing after.  Whether it's after a shower or an Aveeno bath, try to resist the urge to use a rough towel to scratch the absolute shit out of yourself.  Lastly, there is this intensive healing ointment that is great for the bit of overdrying that all of the showering and anti-itch creams are contributing to.  I have found that I can tolerate it at night if I mix in a little of the aforementioned Derms-E and put layers of tight knit clothing on top of it and slip into a Benadryl-induced hibernation of sorts.  This has been the single most beneficial element of my healing process.  Even though it feels like Neosporin all over your itchy body, in the morning you will wake up feeling slightly less itchy and much softer.  It DID take a few nights before I started to see a difference, but my red marks are healing and flattening, and my stretch marks are even getting lighter.
8.  I don't know if this is actually helping, but a few people on message boards about PUPPP mentioned drinking 2 servings of V8 each day.  I have been doing this, but I have also been doing all of the other stuff listed above, so it's hard to say how much the V8 contributes to the healing.  My only recommendation, if you are going to try this, is to get the low sodium version of V8, because the regular stuff has about 480 mg of sodium per serving, compared to 140mg in the low-sodium version.  If you don't like the taste, try to think of it as taking your medicine, and think about all of the extra vitamins and minerals you are getting!  GO YOU! 

GD Diet #3: Apple Snacks

This is SO SIMPLE, and completely fabulous.

Walnuts are a fabulous place to load up on DHA while you are pregnant, especially in the last trimester when your baby's brain is developing the most.  However, as many of you may already know, walnuts all by themselves are totally lame and boring, and taste like licking a tin can.  Another great food for pregnancy (see the book 100 Best Foods for Pregnancy, it is divided by trimester with nice recipe tips!) is an apple, but a whole apple, without a complementary protein source, is a big no-no for girls with GD, as it is one of the sugariest of all fruits (25g of carbs).  I give you, quick and easy apple snacks:

you will need:
1/2 of an apple
1-2 oz of soft goat cheese (depending on your taste)
halved walnuts (as many as you have slices of apple)

Cut the apple into 1/4 inch thick slices, smear the desired amount of goat cheese on each one, and use the goat cheese as a sort of glue to hold one beautiful 1/2 of a walnut to each piece.  If you don't have GD, or if this snack doesn't seem to bother your readings at all, and you desire a little more sweetness, try a spot of honey on each slice.  This also makes a great treat for parties if you are hosting with GD, or attending a potluck where you are concerned there will be no dessert for you. ;) 
1/2 an apple all dressed up (without the honey) is about 16g of carbs

GD Diet #2: Bunless Burger with Quinoa

Tip #1: serve on a tiny plate, as this dinner is dense, and doesn't look very filling.

This has been one of my favorite (and Dan's favorite) recipes that I have come up with since the GD diagnosis.  It really feels indulgent.  If you are finding that carbs like quinoa are spiking your sugars, try a vegetable side instead.  I will post a great generic veggie roasting tip in a few days for your reference.  The nice thing about this one is that it takes maybe 25 minutes.

Ingredients (serves 4):
16 oz of grass-fed ground beef (or bison if you want something a little leaner and earthier)
1/2 bag of pre-washed spinach or baby spinach
1/3 cup of pine nuts
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 cup uncooked quinoa
4 oz goat cheese
2 tbsp. faux butter (I like the Earth Balance made with olive oil)

Begin by cutting your 16 oz of meat into 4 equal pieces, and then hand-smooshing them into patties.  place in a lightly-oiled pan together and let them start to cook on med/high.  Salt and pepper to your liking (you won't need too much- the topping is flavorful).  Flip them when they look like they have almost cooked to their centers (when viewing from the side)
put your cup of quinoa and a cup of water into a pot and bring to a rolling boil, then lower the heat so it is simmering while you work on the rest of your meal.  Once the water is completely evaporated, turn off the heat and mix in a little faux-butter.
In another pan, pour a little olive oil and then dump your spinach leaves.  Allow them to wilt and toss them around a little.  Once they are completely wilted, mix in your pine nuts and goat cheese.  Combine until the goat cheese is completely melty and the mixture looks a little like fancy creamed spinach. 
On a salad-sized plate, place your burger, top with the spinach mixture, and add a side of the quinoa.
It's really, really lovely, promise.

The GD diet #1: A few of my fav-or-ite things

If you've ever been pregnant, or female, you know that snacks are very important.  When you have GD, they are important for a different reason: to maintain somewhat stable blood sugar, you need to be eating approximately every 2 hours, and ideally, your snacks should be healthy (and under 20g of carbs).  The best snacks are healthy snacks that make you feel excited, so here are a few treats that really get me going.

1. True North Nut Clusters: 9g for Almond Pecan, 12g for Chocolate Nut.  These are exceptional because they satisfy your candy bar cravings without killing your diet.  They are, however, slightly dangerous if not divided up into single-serving baggies.  5 clusters sounds depressing, but it's actually quite satisfying.

2. Kashi Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Cookie- 1 is 20g.  This one is my absolute favorite.  Full of whole grains and dietary fiber, this filling cookie is BETTER (no joke) than it's unhealthy counterparts.  A few weeks of these and chips ahoy will start to taste like buttery chemicals.

3. Carrots and Peanut Butter- JIF to go and 3/4 cup carrots = 18g  (Or you can do ants on a log if you can stomach disgusting, awful celery).  Now, JIF to go is the EASIEST option, but not the only option.  There are healthier peanut (or almond) butters out there that have no added salt or sugar.  If you have the patience, get some tiny Tupperware, and fill it with your fave nut butter, and bring that along instead.  I'm just going to eat this JIF til my midwife spots it and calls me out.  (Don't tell!)

4. Berries! ...and other fruit, but be sure to look any up for carb count, some unexpectedly have A LOT of sugar.  Strawberries are about 1g each, blueberries are about 10g to 1/2 cup.  Plums are surprisingly low at 8g per fruit, and so are peaches!  Indulge in an entire peach for the price of only 14g!  Cantaloupes (14g per cup) and oranges(11g) are also good.  Apples (24g), pineapples (22g per cup), bananas (25g), pears (27g) and watermelon (22g per wedge... you know you can't limit yourself to a cup) are all high in sugar, and therefore should be used sparingly (see #5).  Of course, it's the expensive fruit that you can eat...

5. Bananas are high in carbs, but fabulous for a lot of other reasons, like the fact that they come in their own wrapper.  If you are getting a lot of leg cramps, bananas can really help.  A great snack is 1/2 a banana and 1 hard boiled egg- about 14g.  That little yellow thing in the picture?  That's a Nana-saver, and its a $3 wonder of modern science (its a clip you put on the 1/2 of the banana you didn't eat to keep it from getting all crusty and brown.  Or you can use a little piece of plastic wrap if you're not a gadget-loving jackass like I am)

6.  Nature's Bakery Fig Bar- 2 bars in a pack- 20g.  Made with stone ground wheat and so delicious.  They come 2 to a pack and you can split them up if 20g of carbs are making you a little uncomfortable.  Lots of flavors to choose from, and if you are lucky enough to have a Wegmans near you, you can pick up a 24 pack variety box for less than $10.  Way cheaper than online.

7.  Kind bar- dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt- 16g.  If you have other favorite KIND bars, just be sure to check the label, they are all different for carb count.

NOT SHOWN:
8. Dark Chocolate Covered Anything.  I especially like walnuts covered in dark chocolate because every "eating for pregnancy" book out there suggests walnuts, but by themselves they taste like licking a tin can.  Walnuts are especially high in DHA which is super fantastic for your baby's brain development in the 3rd trimester, which is probably when you found out you had GD in the first place.  Next Organics Dark Chocolate Covered Walnuts- 9g per serving

9. And a suggestion from Steph: Light n fit Greek Yogurt by Dannon.  Lots of flavors to choose from, only 9g of carbs, and 12g of protein to balance it out.  I can't wait to try it!!!  ...Um.... and they have a flavor called Caramel Macchiato.... oh no...

The Good News and the Bad News

At the end of the day last Wednesday, I got the call from my midwife that I had been fearing for a little over a week:  I DO have gestational diabetes.   The bad news is, that means counting carbs, testing my blood sugar 4x a day, and avoiding most things that have any resemblance to bread or sweets.  The good news is, I have the best possible over-achiever mentality to absolutely nail this diet and get an A+ in baby-building.
The first day with the news was pretty rough.  I choked through the over-the-phone directions I was given by one of the nurses at the midwives office, and started bawling into my husband's chest after I hung up the phone.  The only thing I could think about was how relatively well I thought I had been eating, and that I still screwed up.  That all of my fears about the delivery process were going to come true; the baby would be huge, unhealthy, and doomed to be unhappy for the rest of his life and it would be all my fault.  After a few minutes of pretty serious sobbing (I know, people have MUCH bigger problems in the world), we took a long walk around the park and ended up at the Rite Aid, where I would pick up my glucose meter and get some additional instructions from the pharmacist.
I was still fighting back some tears when he started his schpiel about which lancets hurt more and what meters could be afforded with crappy health insurance policies.  About 30 seconds in, I think he noticed the tears welling up in my eyes and started to rush through the rest of the info, grabbing a silver meter and some test strips and heading toward the back, at which point I squeaked in a shaky voice, "Well if you're going to give me that one, at least give me the pink one!"
Surprisingly, the lancets don't hurt too much, and the testing gives me a way to prove to my midwives and doctors that I am, in fact, doing a fuckingfantastic job of building this baby, and I always like making proof.
The other good news is that I think that I have always had a sensitivity to carbohydrates (see post about the gluten-free cleanse), and the diet I need to adhere to for the duration of my pregnancy will help me deal with that sensitivity after the baby is born.  Further, I will have the tools necessary to deal with the fact that 1 in 3 children born to women with gestational diabetes will develop type 2 diabetes before they are out of school.  This is not a temporary diagnosis.  It is a call to take nutrition more seriously.

Here are the basic details that I have absorbed over the last 10 days:
1.  Try to limit your carbs to 25-30g for breakfast, and 30-45g for lunch and dinner.
2.  Try to eat a little something every 2 hours.  Great snacks are made from less-processed grains, low-carb fruits, crudite, nuts, or other protein sources.
3.  Take a walk after you eat.  Or, if you can't leave the house, or the weather is bad, get up and do laundry or vacuum.  Resist the urge to sit still or take a nap after eating.  Light exercise will help your body metabolize your food more quickly, leaving you less susceptible to sugar spikes.
4.  Drink lots of water.  If your pregnant, more than the recommended 64 ounces is usually good.
5.  For the most part, don't worry about the carbs in vegetables.  They are the absolute best place to get nutrients for your amazing baby.  Do not, however, be fooled by starches that pose as vegetables, like sweet potatoes.  These are ok to eat as long as you measure your servings and stick to the allotted g of carbs per meal.  WARNING:  some fruits also masquerade as vegetables... shady-ass tomatoes.
6.  Pay attention to your body and your readings.  If you know you are obeying the rules and you still have seemingly random spikes in your blood sugar, try to connect the dots.  Some people are more sensitive to certain types of carbs than others.  One thing that I have noticed about my own body is that, for the most part, I do not seem to be sensitive to fructose or lactose.  Bread products have a dramatic impact on my blood sugar, but I can go to the top end of my carb allotment with fruit and it doesn't seem to touch my readings.  Look out, bananas, here I come!

I guess I wanted to let you all know this because the next few posts will focus on eating to support a diabetic system.  I will label them as such (the GD diet #1, etc.) and will try to post at least weekly with delicious and filling recipes that I have discovered.

How to get a bikini body

You don't need to hear an excuse about why I haven't posted in over 6 months, but you're getting one anyway...
My husband and I found out in March that we are expecting our first baby!  Today, I am 25 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty good.  My energy is almost normal, and I am not as susceptible to the nausea associated with first trimester nonsense.  I do, however, become hungry quickly and ravenously, and my cravings, while not crazy, are... interesting:
1.  Seems the little man prefers salty to sweet foods, so I often find myself ordering desert out of habit and then after a bite, pawning it off on one of my unfortunate trying-to-diet friends.
2.  No seafood.  Really, buddy?  I let you live in my stomach for all of this time and you would deprive me of one of my favorite food categories?  Rude.  But it works out alright because I have to watch my mercury anyway.
3.  No mushrooms.
4.  Yes to like, every dairy product known to mankind.  And I will straight eat a tube of goat cheese right now.  With a fork.

But all of that aside, I wanted to talk about something unexpected that happened fairly recently, when my baby bump became more obvious.
I was initially concerned about the inevitable weight-gaining part of being pregnant, as I have had some body-image issues in the past that I will not bore you with now, but I'm sure many women can relate to not feeling thin enough, fit enough, and definitely not flat enough in the tummy area.  I made sure that my midwife and my husband both knew about my past body image issues, and asked them to keep an eye on me and keep me on track.  In other words, hide the scale, think about the health of the baby at all times, and enjoy the many interesting changes going on in my body.
The funny thing is... so far it hasn't been a problem.  I have had a few moments where I have caught a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror and thought "Whose tits are those?!  And why are they pointing that way?!"  But this passes rather quickly and I go back to feeling sleepy, hungry, or really really happy.
A couple of months ago I received some lightly worn maternity clothes from my fabulous sister-in-law, including a tankini.  When I tried it on, I was disappointed and felt that I looked bloated and short.  The stomach area was also a little loose (because I'm sure it's designed for someone closer to the END of their pregnancy), so it seemed to be moving around a lot, which made me uncomfortable.
A while after that I happened upon a rack of discounted bathing suits at a local shop and spotted an adorable black and pink Betsey Johnson bikini and fell in love.  I tried it on thinking it would be funny... and I loved it.  I loved my big round belly sticking out between these sexy little swimsuit pieces.  I felt feminine and lovely, and powerful.  So I bought it.
I have worn it A LOT so far this summer.  I think it is also worth noting here, that if I had tried on the suit last year,  I don't think I would have bought it.  I would have thought it was too young for me, too revealing for my not-quite-perfect-yet stomach.  Or, if I ended up buying it in an effort to "get out of my comfort zone" it would have sat in the bottom of my underwear drawer, and I would have maybe gotten up the nerve to wear it once before donating it to a thinner friend.  It would have revealed all of my physical shortcomings to me every time I looked in the mirror, and I would have felt exposed.
Recently, a friend posted an adorable infographic on facebook which read "How to get a bikini body: put a bikini on your body"  I love it.

I think it is interesting that this pregnancy is giving me a new respect for and love of my body.  I am so much more interested in what my body can DO rather than how it looks.  I have been trying to adopt that mindset for the past few years, but I guess it took a major shift in body shape, for the first time in my life, to show me that I really can think that way.

Pics my dad takes

This post has been inspired by my amazing dad.

My father is and always has been, a dad-superhero. 

He is a wealth of knowledge about all things practical, and can talk you through a home repair over the phone, should the situation present itself.  He is always willing to help out, and he has a genuine thirst for knowledge and new experiences.  When I was a tween my dad signed up for ballet classes so we could bond about dance, and he stuck with it even after I quit.  If you need a piece of furniture built, a tree chopped down, solar panels installed, or if you are looking for general-to-specific information about all things train, Tom Diehl is your man.

**cue dramatic music**

Like all superdads, however, my dad does have a weakness that his foes could potentially take advantage of.  His Achilles heel?  He cannot resist taking (and posting) the worlds least flattering pictures of myself and other people that love him.  Below is a sampling of said photos for my humiliation and your enjoyment.

(For full comedic effect, click on pictures to enlarge.)

Here Emily and I are, on my porch at my housewarming party in October. 

We have both since decided to look into wigs and Botox.

Here Dan and I are (with Ben!) at Christmas.

I'm not sure why the gift of a glittery planner seems to have upset me. 

In this one, Dan and I went to see my mom and dad at a hotel bar near the airport when they were on their way to a fun vacation.  I thought it was safe to not wear makeup, but the explanation of "these weird poker chips get you free drinks at this shitty bar" needed to be documented.

 

...and below is my favorite series of pictures of all time.  Early in my relationship with Dan, we went to Bushkill Falls with my parents and my older brother.  Dan and I started to have a conversation which was causing us friction, so we fell back to deal with it and then catch up.  Little did we know our argument was being documented by my dad who was "testing out his telephoto lens."  

My favorite part about looking at these photos with Dan was the narrative:

Gretchen: "Wow, I have NEVER seen myself make that face before."

Dan: "Oh, that's interesting.  I wish I could say the same."

But just so you all know the score, this is the face Dan was making.  Win.

I'm going going, back back to Jersey, Jersey.

So I don't think the phrase "falling off the wagon" effectively expresses just how off-task I have been with my diet and exercise over the last month.  To extend the metaphor, I have fallen so hard off the wagon that my best bet was to dust myself off and catch a bus to another town... in New Jersey.
My husband and I settled on an adorable bungalow-style house in mid-August and moved the day after settlement.  Moving was followed by a brief period of unpacking boxes and rearranging rooms during times when we would normally be cooking, cleaning, or moving our bodies and getting fresh air.  During this time we allowed ourselves the customary pizza dinners, and indulged in hoagiefest on more than 3 occasions.  Then came a huge setback: My husband could no longer stand the sight of our last-renovated-in-the-1960s fart of a kitchen, and we headed down the path of home renovation.  Our friends didn't even get a chance to say goodbye before we were tearing down layers of wallpaper, chipping up linoleum floors, and fighting about design elements and budget limitations.  (To clarify, when we bought the house, we knew we didn't like the kitchen, but we thought we could at least get a couple of years out of it before we started ripping it apart.  No such luck.) Currently we have the fridge (working), stove (disconnected), and dishwasher (also disconnected... *sob*) in the dining room, so our eat-at-home options are extremely limited. 

Living in Collingswood, NJ (which is a dry town) comes with an amazing selection of delicious BYO style restaurants to choose from, but none of these options are especially cheap, especially when you're eating out for nearly every meal.  But we did find some amazing gems over the last few weeks:
1. Indiya: 612 Haddon Ave in Collingswood, NJ.  They have a $10 lunch buffet which includes some of their most fabulous entrees, including Chicken Makani, Palak Paneer, and a few others, naan, rice, and a couple of lovely desserts.  Don't feel cheated if you get the takeout version instead; it's a good deal more expensive, but you can get a couple of meals out of the quantity provided.  If I had my way, we would be eating Indiya every night, but alas, we are white people with white people digestive systems, and there is a set quantity of Indian food that our intestines can handle.
2. El Sitio: 729 Haddon Ave in Collingswood, NJ.  This place isn't cheap, but it is hands-down, my favorite restaurant that I have visited so far in Collingswood.  An Ecuadorian grille and cafe with tons of amazing options to choose from, empanadas, ceviche, patacons, and for you're less adventurous friend or family member who has come along for the ride: an excellent selection of artisanal burgers.  Nice.
3. The Bistro in Haddonfield NJ: Looking for a swankier downtown to browse after your meal?  Haddonfield has a charming main street with an old-fashioned feel, but it's packed with great eateries and upscale shopping.  The Bistro was one of our first dining experiences in the neighborhood, and one of my favorite dishes there is a "breakfast sundae" which contains scoops of thick greek yogurt, granola, honey, and fresh berries.
4. Bahama Breeze in the parking lot of the Cherry Hill Mall:  It killed me to write that.  I know, I know, it's the island equivalent of an Olive Garden, but HEAR ME OUT.  My first experience with a Bahama Breeze was at the King of Prussia Mall (apparently their favorite spot is in prestigious mall parking lots; not helping me with my hipster-hate gut-reaction), and I fell in love pretty instantly.  They had a humongous chandelier full of enameled metal parakeets!  How could it be bad?!  The food always tastes fresh and light.  My favorite is the Key West Fish Tacos (they are in the sandwiches section of the menu, in case you are reading this from a booth in Bahama Breeze, and are overwhelmed by the textbook-sized menu in front of you).  They are made with a lovely piece of seasoned Mahi-Mahi with avocado, and pico de gallo.  You can choose 2 or 3 tacos, and you can get (this is with any entree) A SIDE OF LEGIT FRUIT SALAD WITH A SCOOP OF HAAGEN DASZ MANGO SORBET ON TOP.  Legit fruit salad is a technical term used to describe fruit salad comprised of more than just assorted not-quite-ripe melons with an occasional marachino cherry.  In this case, it refers to one made up of pineapple, red grapes, and strawberries.  No foolies.  2 tacos with magical fruit salad for $7.49. 

Any other attempts at proper eating have been thwarted by places like Saladworks, who offer me delicious, healthy options at a reasonable price, and then supply me with a sample of their new gigantic cookie; Lemon White Chocolate Chip... assholes.

We have also been noshing on frozen bagels, eggo waffles, kind bars, clif bars, and bags of chips while my husband toils away at re-tiling the floor, reconstructing a wall, and installing the garbage disposal, and I bitch about all that bothersome sanding and painting I have to do!
Tonight I have just eaten a not-to-be-named brand of TV dinner aimed at people on a diet, and my beef potroast looked, smelled, and tasted (how consistent!) like really expensive dogfood. 

I'm just going to curl up in a corner and cry until my kitchen finishes itself out of pity.

The Gluten-free, Diary-free, Low-acid cleanse

Ok, I know it sounds absolutely miserable... and for the first 2 days it absolutely is, but the results are pretty amazing, so I think it is worth a try for most people.  The first time you do it, it is supposed to be 30 days, which is very difficult (because most approved foods require more prep time, and you can't really just pick something up if you're in a hurry), but a week works pretty well too and gets somewhat similar results.  Those results are more energy, a better functioning digestive system, a more even mood, and a general feeling of lightness.  It's great for people who have reactive digestive systems (acid reflux, bloatedness or other unpleasantness).

So here's the deets:
NO:
-red meat
-milk or milk based products such as cheese, yogurt or ice cream
-caffeine
-alcohol
-acidic fruits (tomatoes, oranges, grapefruit)
-wheat, corn, white rice or white potatoes
-sugar
-foods that contain trace amounts of mold (melons, peanuts)
-prepared foods (for the most part, if there are, like, 3 ingredients, and you can understand what they all are, it's ok)

YES:
-lots of low-acid fruits and vegetables (bananas, berries, cucumbers, carrots)
-approved grains and starches: brown rice (gross), buckwheat (pretty great), quinoa (you can make it taste like anything!!!), and sweet potatoes (perfect all by themselves)
-white meat and fish in moderation
-other sources of protein: beans, dense nuts (like almonds), tofu, eggs, avocado
-soy, rice, or almond milk, small amounts of honey as sweetener, herbal decaffeinated tea, extra virgin olive oil, herbs and spices, KIND bars, and small amounts of salt are ok.

When you are trying to adhere to this diet, you want to make sure that you are also trying to follow these guidelines, so you feel healthy and balanced at the end of the day:
1. drink lots of water, shoot for the 64 ounces a day that are recommended
2. chew your food more than you think you need to (I have found that, when I am super-excited about a meal, I tend to prepare my next forkful while I am still noshing on the first, causing me to chew less and rush through to get to that next amazing bite.  The result is, not realizing I am full until I am uncomfortably full).
3. try to eat 2 big leafy salads a day, as meals, or alongside of your entree portion of protein for dinner.  It's a tall order, but if you at least get one every day, and 2 some days, you're winning.
4. try to prepare most of your foods the day that you are eating them (refrigerating sometimes gives food time to form mold, which defeats the purpose.  This is one rule that I absolutely never follow when I am on this cleanse).

Obviously, everyone is different, but here is a little breakdown of my personal experience, because I want you to be prepared for the highs and lows:
days 1-2:  I am hungry, angry, and bitchy.  The combination of sugar and caffeine withdrawal plus my stomach thinking it really needs a bagel causes me to lash out at loved ones, cry, and go to bed early, complaining myself to sleep.  I have found that these symptoms are MUCH more tolerable if you manage to wean yourself off of coffee a few days prior to the rest of the diet.
days 3-4: I am starting to feel the positive effects of the diet, I am not more energetic, but I don't feel like I NEED coffee to get through the day.  Still moments of big cravings for things like donuts and bacon.
days 5-7: false feelings of hunger subside, I feel lighter and more energetic, with a greater sense of awareness, and my stomach loves me. 

In the days after the cleanse, you should introduce your vices back into your diet slowly (don't go on a meat-and-candy binge), but you might find that your body is more receptive to these foods now that it has had a little break, and you will probably find that your caffeine vices have less of a hold on you.

On positive associations with treats

Last week I was feeling grumpy and Dan was having a particularly rough day, and as we sat sulking on the couch, not talking and leaning away from one another, Dan asked, "Do you want to go get Capogiro?"  to which I replied, "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."
But still, I don't think it was until just now that I realized that I am a pseudo-emotional eater.  I don't think I tend to eat anytime I am sad, but psychologically, if I am stressed, sad, annoyed, or angry, and I am hungry, I tend to gravitate towards chocolate or other "treat-like" items.
I was just down in the break room at work, between classes, getting myself a cup of coffee and deciding which gross piece of junk I wanted from the candy machine in the break room.  I decided on a bag of 8 Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies (which, for the record, are typically fabulous, amazing, and delicious).  When I got back up to my classroom and started eating, I realized that there was something funny about this bag of cookies... they tasted burnt or stale, or chemical-y or something, just not entirely good... and as I ate the first 3, I knew I didn't like the way they tasted... but I kept eating them.  After the 4th cookie I realized that what I was doing could probably be considered addict behavior, and I stopped.  I thought, if I ordered a meal at a restaurant and it tasted "off" would I keep eating it? and the answer was a resounding NO, of course not!  who would eat something that they didn't like if they had a choice?!  So I threw the rest of the bag away.
While this is no huge diet victory, I consider it a little psychological victory.  If I can understand why I am eating what I am eating, and why so much, I can potentially fix it and find other things that feel like treats... you know, healthy things... like shopping sprees! 

...just kidding about the shopping, ;)

Kiya and James: Fitness Superstars

In 2009, Emily and I took the best vacation ever, to Amansala resort in Tulum, Mexico for a little something called "bikini bootcamp" (which is now located in Ibiza, Spain... a reason to go again?)
We were lucky enough to go during a really unpopular time.  It was the end of the season, and the weather had potential to be extremely hot.  That combined with a series of scary things happening to tourists near the Mexican border, and a plague of swine flu caused all of the other campers to bail on their reservations, leaving Emily and I alone with 3 personal trainers who also served as our personal tour guides for our 6 day stay.  6+ hours of physical activity a day, with fresh, fabulous food and gorgeous scenery.  It was absolutely amazing.

the staff at Bikini Bootcamp 2009: Carla, James, and Kiya (the 2 regular peeps in the front are Emily and myself)

The reason I am posting about it now is because I think our stay there was partially responsible for my attitudes about fitness today.  It was a physical, emotional, and personal challenge to focus on ourselves for that time, and to be separated from all of our technology and responsibilities.  I don't think I could thank the staff enough for their impact on me.

We spent the most time with Kiya and James (who are now married, Mazel Tov!), and I have followed them both on facebook since we got back.  I was very excited to see that Kiya was featured on the cover of Scottsdale Health in June (you can see here feature on the website here)!

I just wanted to spend this post giving a shout-out to Kiya and James for continuing to do such amazing things for the health and wellness of people and the planet.  You guys are fabulous!

Fish Tacos in Bell Pepper Boats

Fish Tacos in Bell Pepper Boats!

(feeds 2 adults) 

My first recipe post!

I came up with this when I wanted fish tacos bad, but I was feeling too lazy to go to the store, and we were out of tortillas... and also most of the other stuff you need to make tacos.

But what I DID have was this:

1. 2 tilapia fillets

2. 2 bell peppers (personally, I think the yellow ones are the tastiest)

3. 1 avocado

4. some sriracha (but salsa or taco sauce will also work)

5. plain, nonfat greek yogurt

I know, the yogurt sounds weird, but since I first tried the stuff I thought, I HAVE to use this as a sour cream substitute... because by itself, the stuff is foul.  Also, it gives you all the creaminess, none of the fat, and tons of protein!

So, in an ideal world where you purchase your groceries ahead of time, instead of staring blankly into your half-empty fridge, here's what you do:

1. Spray a baking dish with canola oil and put your tilapia filets in with a little salt, squeeze of lime, and a sprinking of chili powder.  Bake until its flaky and white ( I don't know, 10 mins at 410 degrees?)

2. Cut your bell peppers into the natural little boats they are made of.  Some peppers have 3 boats and others have 4.  I haven't seen ones with 5 boats, but I'm assuming it's lucky, so go play the lottery if you find one.

3. Smoosh a whole avocado in a separate little bowl to make sort-of-guacamole.

4. Stuff your peppers in this order: fish, then avocado smoosh, then sriracha (or salsa), then a dollop of greek yogurt.

Then you can eat them with a knife and fork like my civilized husband, or try desperately to cling to the notion that these are, in fact, tacos, insist it is possible to hold them and eat them, and in the process, get a ton of greek yogurt up your nose.  Your choice.

(It's nice to have a piece of fruit on the plate too, in case you made them on the spicy-side, or in the case that your +1 is a big wuss.)

Enjoy!

(Stats: Calories: 330, Protein: 33g, Fat: 16g, Dietary Fiber: 9g.  If you want to cut down the fat, use 1/4 avocado for each meal instead of 1/2.  That will bring the fat count down to 8.5g)